The Card Games of Haruhi Suzumiya
by SubZeroGreymon
Summary: KAWAITA! SAKEBI GA! TOREKE! FLY AT HIGHA GAYYYYYYYM! Original Idea by superstarultra :
1. Season Zero Da Movie

**_Hello, all you depraved internet zombies. SubZero here, with another fanfiction of epic proportions, in which the Haruhi Suzumiya cast reinact episodes from YuGiOh! The Abridged Series. Now, listen, the first episode has been done so many times, I've decided to skip the first episode. If you want to read it, read chapter 42 of superstarultra's You've Been HaruhiRolled. The first chapter will be a reenactment of YuGiOh! The Other Abridged Movie, with the following characters from Haruhi filling the roles of the actors from YuGiOh! Abridged:_**

**_Kyon - Yugi_**

**_Haruhi - Joey_**

**_Mikuru - T'ea_**

**_Itsuki - Tristan_**

**_Yuki - The Pharoah  
_**

**_Tsuruya - Kaiba_**

**_Jeremiah Gottwald from Code Geass - Kemo_**

**_Gaara of the Funk - Anime Ving Rhames.  
_**

**_and in this chapter, a Haruhi OC named Mari Su for Shugo/Gary Stu._**

* * *

**_The Card Games of Haruhi Suzumiya_**

**_Chapter 0: The Rivalry of Hot Chicks._**

**_

* * *

_Corn on my mouth  
Moe's soup machine  
Naruto can't hang though they're keen**

**Key yeah, yoohoo!  
You may want to look away  
Call at the coot:  
"My camera's on Rita!"**

**Diary!  
I've developed an itchy knee  
Buy a weak old egg-nog, oh no!  
Yami & I mosh in Torino  
She threw away my super glue**

**Quieter!  
Send Kirby down  
(COOCHIE!)  
Guess Arnold knew never to kiss a Sue  
Criminal sends off to SEGA:  
"You owe me Thailand!"**

**There any more of that celery?  
Caught a hiccup  
Walking down Art Carney Avenue  
Packin' heat  
She's got a Wii  
Tourniquet  
Frylock's high again!_  


* * *

_**A week after Yuki had managed to defeat Tsuruya in a child's card game, and Haruhi and Kyon were head to head again. But something was... different...

"Hey, Haruhi," Kyon cautiously eyed a light-blue-haired girl, "That girl looks an awful lot like Ryoko. Do you know her?"

"Who're you talking about, Baka-Kyon?" Haruhi replied, anxious for Kyon to make his move.

"This girl, who's staring at me," Kyon pointed, "Just who the hell is she?"

"You're pointing at empty air," Haruhi deadpanned, "Have you gone nuts?"

"Itsuki, you see her, right?"

"Miss Suzumiya, I do believe that Kyon has unfortunately began to see things," Our sexually-ambiguous friend with the neat hair noted.

"Yep, he's definetly cracked," Haruhi said, decisively, although a tiny part of her was wondering if Kyon was seeing some sort of interdimensional observer.

"Oh, you guys are so funny," Kyon laughed it off, "Now stop it."

'If it makes you feel better,' The ghostly form of Yuki Nagato replied, 'I don't think I'm alone in this artifact.'

"Good for you," Kyon groaned.

"Hey, loser!" Some generic bully told some first year girl with short black hair, "We heard you finally got some Duel Monster cards."

"Yeah, what a joke!" A second one added, "I bet you don't even know how to summon Kuriboh! You'd have to be a total dork to not know how to do that!"

"Hey, wait a minute," Kyon noticed the commotion, "Geez, even in High School, Mari Su gets picked on."

"Wait, you know that girl?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow.

"No, I don't, but in the context of this chapter, she's my best friend," Kyon deadpanned.

"Please, you two," Mari peered at the bullies, "Will you two ever find something better to do then pick on helpless OC's?"

"Aw, what's wrong," the bully mocked, "Did we just disgrace you? Why don't you play a card game with us to settle our differences?"

"Please," Mari deadpanned, "I don't even PLAY Duel Monsters."

Everyone who heard that turned with a shocked look. Some even drop their cards in the shock.

"Oh no, you didn't!" Haruhi shouted.

"Well, later, you card dorks," Mari walked away, to be seen later in this fic.

"A kid who doesn't like card games?" Haruhi yelled in horror, "The end is nigh!"

"No, it's not, Haruhi," Kyon replied.

"Yeah, you're right," Haruhi instantly calmed down.

"It's surprising that she'd believe a guy who's likely insane," Itsuki observed.

"Shut up, Itsuki, or I'll remove that pretty face of yours," Kyon snarled, showing his _Another Way_ persona. Itsuki backed off.

Meanwhile, Mikuru tried to say something before being forgotten until later chapters, completely unaware that she was just there to look pretty.

* * *

"Nyoro, Nyoro, Nyoro," Tsuruya laughed to herself, "It really was a great idea to install security cameras all over the country. I can now see everybody at any time, and I can spy on the SOS Brigade to stay a step ahead of them! This is so Megas-Awesome!"

"Yes, Miss Tsuruya," A random filler spoke up, "But why the heck did you decide to install a camera in Kyon's shower? Seems a little unnecessary."

"I must always be one step ahead!"

"Yes, ma'am..."

* * *

**_North High - Japan - May 27, 2010 - 14 days since last Godzilla attack_**

"Hey, Kyon," Haruhi noticed, "This sort-of reminds me of that fanfiction by superstarultra where I learned I was god and you turned into Yuki in order to beat Tsuruya in a card game."

"That's because this fanfiction is based off of that fanfiction," Kyon explained.

"So why do things feel different?" Haruhi asked.

"Different writer, Haruhi," Kyon replied.

"A different writer?" Haruhi asked, "Won't he get flamed for stealing SSU's ideas?"

"No, for two reasons," Kyon answered, "One, he asked permission first, and two, he based this chapter off of YuGiOh Season Zero's Abridged movie."

"There was a season **_ZERO_**?" Haruhi replied, "How come I never knew about it?"

"It only aired in Japan due to it being extremely violent and depressingly bad," Kyon answered.

"DAMMIT, JAPAN!" Haruhi yelled, "IT ALWAYS GETS THE COOL STUFF!"

"Um, Haruhi..." Kyon replied, "WE live in Japan."

"We do?" Haruhi replied, dumbfounded.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

Haruhi and Kyon looked to see a girl with short black hair run past them, only to be captured by... a tall dark-skinned man with greenish blue hair, dressed in a fancy military outfit.

"HEY LEGGO MY ARM, ORANGE-KUN!" Mari shouted.

"NO way, Jailbait!" The man replied, "You're under arrest for not playing card games!"

"No! Gari's in trouble! We gotta save her!" Haruhi shouted in an OOC manner.

"Good thing I took 'Child-grabbing' lessons!" Orange-kun (AKA Jeremiah Gottwald) smirked. Suddenly, Kyon's fist met his hand, causing it to recoil from the impact. "OW MY HAND!"

"Hey, wait a minute!" Haruhi raised an eyebrow, "Aren't you from Code Geass?"

"Yep! However, in superstarultra's fic, I sub for the Hair Guy, so SubZeroGreymon decided to keep things consistent," Jeremiah replied, "And I'm here by Tsuruya's orders to capture that dumb OC and force her to take part in a card game tournament. Oh, and has anybody seen my eyepiece? I've been looking for it everywhere."

"Didn't you serve Lelouch in that fanfic?" Kyon asked, "Why the heck are you taking orders from Tsuruya?"

"..." Went Jeremiah.

"..." Went Haruhi.

"..." Went Yuki.

"..." Went Kyon.

"..." Went Tsuruya.

"..." Went Ryuk.

"..." Went Seto Kaiba.

"..." Went Megatron.

"..." Went the entire cast of Naruto.

"..." Went everybody reading this fanfiction.

"... I don't know," Jeremiah replied, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some children to grab..."

"Hey, Look!" Haruhi pointed to her left side, "An orange!"

"HEY, WAIT, WHAT? WHERE!" Jeremiah turned to his right side, allowing Kyon to escape with Mari.

"C'mon, Mari, let's go!" Kyon shouted, taking the young girl away.

"I don't know who you are!" Mari replied, "But anything's better then that creep!"

"I don't see an orange..." Jeremiah turned to see the two escaping, "HEY! GET BACK HERE!"

Haruhi grabbed the poor guy and yelled, "NYA... HARUPUNCH!" before punching him.

* * *

The canon character and the OC ran into a nearby alleyway before stopping to catch their breath.

"I really need to stop smoking," Kyon commented, "So... Mari..."

"It's Mari Su," Mari replied, "Like the fiction concept, but no relation."

"Whatever, so why don't you play card games like everyone else?"

"Don't see the appeal," Mari shrugged, "Never could, never needed to."

"Oh, so that's your story?" Kyon raised an eyebrow, "I thought you had a deeper reason not to."

"Hehehehe..." A whisper-like voice hissed.

"Did you just laugh at me?" Mari asked.

"No, why?" Kyon replied. Then the two turned to see a certain red-headed Naruto Character in a black suit.

"Oh no!" Kyon yelled, "It's Naruto's Gaara... of the Funk!"

_Boosha Boosha Boosha Bish GAARA! OF DA FUNK!_

_

* * *

_"WOW! What a battle!" Haruhi dusted herself off, "Piloting a Gundam and fighting a Knightmare frame was so awesome! Too bad the fight isn't described!"

Then, she stumbled onto an appalling sight. Kyon and Mari, looking like they had just been maimed. For some reason, there was a lot of

"KYON-KUN!" Haruhi yelled, "Are you okay...? What happened... my love?"

"He came out of nowhere... and stole Mari's card..." Kyon moaned out.

"Who?" Haruhi asked.

"Gaara..." Kyon replied, "... of the funk."

_Boosha Boosha Boosha Bish GAARA! OF DA FUNK!_

"SWEET!" Haruhi turned and ran for the Duel Dome, "Another excuse to kick the crap out of someone!"

"Oh... good..." Kyon moaned out, slowly getting out, "Knowing Haruhi... she'd probably summon a Megazord and stomp him..."

* * *

**_At the Duel Dome..._**

All was calm. Spectators were entering the dome to view the Duels happening...

... Then Haruhi ran into the area, causing _Feuer Frei_ by Rammstein to start playing out of nowhere. She located the perpetrator, and ran to him.

"Give Mari her card back!" Haruhi yelled in an OOC way, "I always knew I'd face you, Gaara! Of the-"

Then a wave of sand hit her, interrupting her when she was talking.

"FUNK!" Haruhi shouted.

_Boosha Boosha Boosha Bish GAARA! OF DA FUNK!_

* * *

_**In the Duel Dome...**_

"Miss Tsuruya just defeated Generic OC #540 without breaking a sweat!" The announcer shouted, "I can't imagine the shame he feels at this moment!"

"Uh huh huh huh," The OC spoke, "THIS SUCKS! I'm gonna go dye my hair!"

* * *

**_Outside the Duel Dome..._**

"Haruhi!" Kyon looked at the seemingly week Haruhi.

"It's okay, Kyon," Haruhi replied, "I got a bit of sand in my skirt, but I managed to save Mari's card."

She then held up a card portraying a black-scaled dragon, with the title, 'Red-Eyes B. Dragon.'

"Now you can Duel Tsuruya and get revenge for her dastardly scheme..." Haruhi noted, "Right, MARI?"

"EW!" Mari screamed, "I'm not touching that deck! This game isn't even worth my time!"

"Oh no you don't!" Haruhi glared at her, "You're going to play a Children's card game! NOW!"

"Or what?"

"I'll costume-rape you like I do Mikuru!"

"Ha! I'm not scared!"

"Then I'll rape your dad!"

"Go ahead and try!"

"Then I'll kick your dog!"

"Shows what you know! I don't even **HAVE **a dog!"

"Then I'll buy you a cute little puppy-dog, and _**then**_ kick it!"

"I won't even care about that!"

"Then I'll make you watch High School Musicals 1, 2, **_AND_** 3!"

"HA! I happen to **_LIKE_** High School Musical!"

"GUYS!" Kyon shouted, "To end your little sparing match, I'll face Tsuruya myself!"

"Fine," Haruhi replied, "And me and Mari can watch! Because if she doesn't, I'll kick her ass."

* * *

And so, Kyon turned into Yuki and entered the stadium.

"I'm here to kick ass and play card games," Yuki quipped, "And I'm all out of ass."

"When I'm though with you, you'll have to take a shower to wash away the smell of defeat," Tsuruya retorted, "And I won't be watching you do it!"

"Why would you be watching me?"

"Oh, I installed a camera in your shower."

"Come again?"

"I didn't say anything."

"..."

"..."

ANYWAYS, BACK TO THE PLOT!

"I summon three Blue-Eyes White Dragons!" Tsuruya announced, as three identical dragons emerged.

"Wait," Yuki raised an eyebrow, "Did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?"

"Yeah," Tsuruya replied, "Stop asking."

"I was just wondering."

"Yeah, well don't."

"If you think that's impressive," Yuki summoned a anthromorphic beaver to the field, "Then take a look at my beaver!"

"When you've seen one beaver, you've seen them all," Tsuruya smirked, completely unaware of the innuendo in that last quip.

* * *

As the epic battle took place, Mari and Haruhi looked from the sidelines.

"How long do these things usually last?" Mari asked, bored out of her mind (Card games didn't interest her.)

"Well, card games usually last a few time periods of about 22 minutes," Haruhi noted, "But since this chapter's based off of a movie, it could technically go on for a few exciting hours."

'I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away!" Mari thought to herself, not wanting to be killed by God.

* * *

_1 hour later_

_

* * *

_"Yuki seems to be focusing on stalling tactics," Haruhi observed, "I guess she realizes she can't beat Tsuruya without summoning Exodia... but I wonder why she can't just manipulate her cards into doing it?"

Mari groaned in sheer bordem.

* * *

_2 hours later_

_

* * *

_"Seems like Yuki's not stalling Tsuruya for her own benefit," Haruhi observed, "It's almost as if she wants something else..."

Mari just banged her head against the wall.

* * *

_3 hours later_

_

* * *

_It's so..." Mari spoke, "... clear to me now!"

"What?" Haruhi asked.

"THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER INVENTED!" Mari proclaimed, exhibiting the reaction the makers of this movie expected from the general public, "AND FROM THIS DAY FORTH, I'M GONNA SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS **_PLAYING A CHILDREN'S CARD GAME!_**"

"ON MOTORCYCLES!" Jack Atlas added.

"What're they going on about, Nyoro?" Tsuruya asked.

"What everyone always wanted!" Yuki proclaimed, "I summon Meteor Black Dragon!"

"Wait, you can't summon a fusion monster like that!"

"This coming from the girl who summons three high-level monsters in one turn?"

"Good point. Carry on."

"Good," Yuki smirked, "Now, I proceed to attack with Meteor Black Dragon, ending the duel in one swift stroke!"

"Play that funky music, White boy!" Kyon's spirit yelled.

_BANG, BANG!_

The Dragon streaked toward the powerful beasts...

_BANG! BANG!_

Striking the white dragons... crushing them... and ending the Duel.

_Feuer Frei! BANG BANG!_

"Yuki, you have shamed me once agains," Tsuruya turned and left the arena, "But I won't stops until I am the undisputed master of card games! Now if you'll excuse mes, I have to go sues the people who mades _Eye of Judgment_ for the Playstation 3. Like that isn't an megas-obvious rip-off of _Duel Monsters_. By the way, has anybody seen Churuya?"

Yuki watched her go, silent as always. Haruhi snuck behind her with a sinister grin.

"SURPRISE COSRAPE!" Haruhi proclaimed, before leaping at Yuki... who merely stepped out of the way, allowing her to crash on the ground.

"Suzumiya-san," Yuki spoke, "With you, it's never a surprise."

Her amber eyes turned to the black-haired girl. Mari smiled, hopeful that Yuki would congratulate her for her brain-damage-induced realizations.

Instead, Yuki simply said, "Piss off."

* * *

**Coal miner**  
**Dad, I can't get the milk away**  
**Could an anime hooker eat Kenner's chimney?**  
**Shinobi**  
**Shoot that arrow key, Amiga**  
**Porco Rosso caught eating curry**  
**Vidal Sassoon**

**Cloak a sea otter**  
**Raquelle had an emo man**  
**Come to Iowa**  
**Jeer at me or glare - I don't care**

**Bonk Ulala**  
**Mm, gee...it's a Jew**  
**How Sagat tore through the room**  
**No more Matilda, kay?**

**Now she can fall (she can hear ya!)**  
**Towed on a cable**  
**Goku can hardly caress underneath**  
**Jim Carrey's from Canada (Oh?)**  
**He hates you**  
**Keep him out of my hair, Neo!**

* * *

Shortly after the events of this chapter, Mari was taken to a remote island and forced to kill her fellow OC classmates one by one. She returned safely, only for her hometown to be bombed by Cylons. She survived the bombings, only to be eaten by Godzilla.

* * *

**_Thank you for reading this fanfiction. superstarultra owns this concept, and has given me permission to modify it for my own purposes. I own none of the material in this fanfic, with the only exception of Mari Su._**

**_UP NEXT: Haruhi and Konata have a rap battle! The Anti-SOS Brigade sings about Leather pants! Kyon sings about leather SHOES! and a reenactment of the second episode of YGOTAS! All here! All new!  
_**


	2. Kyon's Leather Pants

In the Anti-SOS Brigade HQ (Really Sasaki's house) Ryoko Asakura (and by extend, Emiri Kimidori) were talking to Kuyou Suou.

"So, Kuyou, is it?" Ryoko spoke to her small, black-haired friend.

"I had _ summoned you _ here for a _Purpose," Kuyou responded, "My fellow _ Anti-SOS Brigade _members havn't figured out _ how to defeat the SOS Bridgade _ Once and for all. I have _ suspicions that you _ might have an idea."

"Well, yeah," Ryoko replied, "You see, ever since Kyon had informed Suzumiya-san of her abilities, she had unwittingly sealed a portion of her power in one of Kyon's clothing articles. All you have to do is steal that portion of clothing to gain a portion of her abilities, enough to use against them."

"His millenium _ puzzle?" Kuyou asked, curious.

"Foolish fool!" Ryoko responded, "The puzzle is not the seal of her power. Her power is sealed in… his leather pants!"

"…" said Kuyou, "…Seriously?"

"Yes!" Ryoko responded, "Come Bakura, let us attain his leather pants!"

"But _ My name's _ Kuyou…"

Begin Song (Leather Pants, resung by Kuyou Suyou and Ryoko Asakura (Recomend listening to original song while reading this.)  
Ryoko: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Let's take his leather pants!  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Let's take his leather pants!

Ha ha  
Ha ha ha  
Mwuha  
Ha ha ha  
Da la  
La la la  
We want his leather pants!

GaGa  
Rah rah rah  
Na na  
Fla fla fla  
La la  
Cha cha cha  
Take off his leather pants!

Kuyou: I'm getting _ ready  
My legs have _ been waxed  
Cause when _ we get them  
I am wearing _ your slacks  
Right on _ my tush  
Tush tush tush  
Right on my tush  
(Tush tush tush)  
(Right on my tush)

Marik: Hey!

Ryoko: We want your trousers  
Your breeches, your chaps  
No, you can't get these pants from shopping at Gap  
Their service sucks  
Sucks sucks sucks  
It really sucks!  
(Sucks sucks sucks)  
(It really sucks)

Sasaki: You know that we want them  
Kyoko: And you know that we need them  
Fujiwara: We want the pants!  
Your leather pants!

Ryoko: Me and Bakura  
We will have our revenge  
Her and me will take your leather pants!  
(Kuyou: That's Kuyou)  
Ryoko: Me and Bakura  
We will have our revenge  
Her and me will take your leather pants!

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Let's take his leather pants!  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Give us the effing pants!

Blah blah  
Blah blah blah  
Da da  
Pa pa pa  
Ya ya  
Mama mia!  
We want those leather pants!

We don't want vinyl  
Or chinos, or briefs (ugh)  
I'm a murderer  
And she is a thief  
Cause we're both hot  
Hot hot hot  
We are quite sexy…

(Kuyou: I don't believe that rhymes-)

(Ryoko: ShutupIamLadyGaGa!)

Fujiwara: I have watched **Psycho**

Kuyou: I perfered **Vertigo**

Sasaki: **The Birds **was ok

Kyoko:Ooo! I loved **Rear Window**

By **Alfred Hitchock**

Cock Cock Cock  
We love Hitchcock  
(Cock cock cock)  
We love Hitchcock

Sasaki: You know that we want them  
Kyoko: And you know that we need them  
Fujiwara: We want the pants!  
Your leather pants!

Ryoko: Me and Bakura  
We will have our revenge  
Her and me will take your leather pants!  
(Kuyou: That's Kuyou)  
Ryoko: Me and Bakura  
We will have our revenge  
Her and me will take your leather pants!

Oh-oh-Whoa-ah-ho  
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho  
We want those leather pants!  
No-woah-woah-woah-woah-woah-woah  
Let's steal his leather pants!

Kuyou: I don't know _  
_ How to sing_  
_in this way_  
_Com-posed of_  
_Ran-dom_  
Sy-la-bles  
could you please teach me?

Marik: Gah gah  
Rah rah rah  
Na Na  
Flah Flah Flah  
La la  
Cha cha cha  
that's how to make silly noises!

Fujiwara: Wear, wear leather baby, work it  
Move your tush, it's sexy  
Sasaki: Wear, wear leather baby, work it  
Move your tush, it's sexy  
Kuyou: Wear _ wear leather, baby _ work it  
Move _ your tush, it's sexy  
Kyoko: Wear wear leather, baby work it  
Ryoko: I'm an evil bitch, baby!

Sasaki: We want your pants  
Kyoko: And we want our revenge  
Fujiwara: We want your pants  
Kuyou, we're really just friends!

Kuyou: Je voudrais _ son  
pantalon _ cuir  
son _ pantalon  
Why am I speaking French?  
Why am I speaking French?  
I don't want to be French!  
We want _ your leather pants!  
Marik: Take off your friggin' pants!

Me and Bakura  
We will have our revenge  
Him and me will take your leather pants  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Me and Bakura  
We will have our revenge  
Him and me will take your leather pants

Ryoko: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
(Marik: We want the freaking pants!)  
Ryoko: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Let's get his leather pants!  
(Marik: Let's take his leather pants!)

Kuyou: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
(Marik: Take off those friggin pants!)  
Kuyou: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh  
Remove his effing pants!  
(Marik: Let's take his leather pants!)

Kuyou: Ha ha  
Ha ha ha ha  
Mwuha  
Ha ha ha  
Ga ha  
Ha ha ha  
We got the leather pants!

"At last a seal to God's power," Kuyou spoke with a sudden smoothness, "Kyon's leather pants! They belong to me!"

"You mean us?" Ryoko responded, "Or your Anti-SOS Brigade allies?"

"They have no use to me anymore," Kuyou responded, "My purpose here was to observe Suzumiya as well, but now I no longer care for this dimension. Using the power of a god, I shall remake this planet in my own image!"

"Wow," Ryoko responded, "I knew you were horny, but I had no IDEA you were this keen to get into Kyon's pants."

"Such strange words coming from a SPIRIT!" Kuyou replied.

"Well, I got news for you," Ryoko smirked, "Kyon's pants aren't the seal!"

"WHAT?" Kuyou exploded in anger. Not literally.

"See, I had accidentally gotten the information wrong," Ryoko smirked, "The seal for Haruhi's power is actually contained in Kyon's LEATHER SHOES."

"No…" Kuyou realized, "NOW I CAN'T MAKE A LADY GAGA SONG PARODY ABOUT LEATHER SHOES! CURSE YOU, INTEGRATED THOUGHT ENTINY!"

"Oh, shut up," Emiri deadpanned, having been there the whole time.

Kyon: Can't beat my  
Can't beat my  
No you can't beat my leather shoes  
I have got some leather shoes

Can't beat my  
Can't beat my  
No you can't beat my leather shoes  
I have got some leather shoes

Le-le-le-leather shoes  
Le-le-leather shoes  
I've got some shoes

Le-le-le-leather shoes  
Le-le-leather shoes  
I've got some shoes


	3. Rocky VII

_**The Card Games of Haruhi Suzumiya**_

As inspired by superstarultra and LittleKuriboh

Episode 2: Rocky VII

In Tonight's Episode, the part of Itsuki Koizumi will be played by Barney the Dinosaur... NAHHHT!  
  
"Booyah!" Haruhi cheered in jubilation, "I WIN!"

"Damn," Kyon swore under his breath, having lost their 5th game of Duel Monsters in the last hour.

"Playing YuGiOh again?" Emiri, who happened to walk into the room, asked.

"It's called 'Duel Monsters,'" Haruhi replied, "But yeah."

"I say, can I play, too?" Emiri asked, hopeful.

"Sorry, Emiri. Main characters on-" Haruhi nearly completed her sentence before Kyon cupped his hands over her mouth.

"Oh, of course, Kimidori-san," Kyon replied, "After all, we'd never reject you for your unpopularity... not after that whole Emo incident."

"Oh, thank you, Kyon," Emiri hugged Kyon with joy, "This just makes me so happy~!"

"..." Yuki the spirit simply stared at the scene with a confused expression (completely identical to her default one.)

"Oh, boy, Card Games can be quite more enjoyable then regular schoolwork," Emiri used her Watapon to attack Kyon's Kuriboh, "Now, according to the rules, I must subtract the defense points of your monster and the attack points of my monster and, uh... wait a minute, how do I do that?"

"It's official," Kyon groaned, "I'm the only smart guy around here."

"HEY!" Everyone else replied in unison.

LATER, AT HARUHI'S GAME SHOP HOME...

Haruhi and the others were taking a break from supernatural stuff to watch the Card Game Channel.

"Welcome to the Regional Championship, where the comic relief characters are having a meaningless duel!" The Guy announced as Taniguchi and Kunikida readied their decks, "I can't believe we're actually airing this on TV, folks!"

"So that's where they went," Kyon noted, "I wondered where they ran off to."

"Hey, Haruhi," Haruhi's dad, named Hikaru in THIS fanfic, walked in, "There's a package here for you. You'd better not have been using my credit card to buy Lucky Star GX merchandise off eBay again!"

"I'm not," Haruhi deadpanned, taking the package, "This is from Industrial Illusions. I guess they heard about Kyon's victory over Tsuruya."

"Then why didn't the guy send it to MY house?" Kyon asked.

"..." Said Hikaru.

"..." Said Haruhi.

"..." Said Yuki.

"..." Said Mikuru.

"..." Said Optimus Prime.

"..." Said Jaden, Yugi, and Yusei.

"..." Said the entire cast of Persona 4.

"... Anyways," Haruhi spoke up, "You gotta admit those card games can be big news. It completely overshadowed the fact that she kidnapped and hospitalized my dad."

"Wasn't he called 'Orok-" Kyon nearly completed her sentence before Chuck Norris ran in, lightly slapped him, then raced out of the room.

Everyone blinked in confusion to whatever the hell just happened, when Itsuki turned back to the TV and shrieked in horror.

"I THOUGHT I KILLED THAT GUY!" Itsuki yelled, "OMG WTF BBQ SAUCE?"

"Whadaya talkin' about?" Kyon replied, "That's just a purple Dinosaur..."

Indeed, the TV was showing a Two-Headed King Rex on Taniguchi's field.

"Uh-huh-huh, hey Kunikida, check it out," Taniguchi spoke in a voice that made Kyon raise an eyebrow, "My dinosaur's horny. Uh-huh-huh, get it?"

"Indeed I do," Kunikida replied in his normal voice, "A very crude joke, by any standard."

"You're ruining the joke here," Taniguchi replied normally, "Speak like that Beavis guy!"

"Nah, I'm cool with my normal voice," Kunikida replied, playing Basic Insect.

"The way Taniguchi talked at first sounded awfully familiar," Kyon noted.

"So you're not going with the joke, I see," Taniguchi smirked, "In that case, I'll... attack or something?"

"I trigger my Trap!" Kunikida replied.

"Uh-huh-huh," Taniguchi laughed a little as the big bad bug obtained a giant Effin' cannon, "No way."

"FIRE!" Kunikida yelled, as the Basic Insect blasted King Rex into eternal oblivion.

"THIS SUCKS!" Taniguchi yelled, "I'm gonna, like, get some nachos."

As Taniguchi walked off, Kunikida gave a 'V for Victory' handsign. Turning, the camera sighted a very familiar Code Geass character...

"Ladies and Gentlemen," the Announcer announced, "Give it up for Lelouch Laaaaaamperouge!"

"Congratulations, Mr. Kunikida, here's your trophy," Lelouch gave a golden trophy to Kunikida, "Now, allow me to render your victory utterly pointless by announcing a far more interesting contest with a much grander title up for grabs!"

"Huh?" Kunikida raised an eyebrow at this.

"Hey, there's a Videotape inside the package," Kyon removed a VHS from said package.

"Kyon!" Haruhi shouted, "My dad always thought that VHS tapes can be cursed so that anybody who sees them dies!"

"Bull," Kyon replied, inserting the VHS into the old VHS player.

As the tape played, Lelouch's image appeared before them.

"Seven days..." Lelouch spoke in a strange, spooky manner.

"OH CRAP I KNEW IT!" Haruhi shouted.

"That's right, Kyon-boy!" Lelouch continued, "There are only seven days 'til Duelist Kingdom! And in order to get you to enter I'm going to force you to play a Shadow Game!"

Suddenly, everything besides the TV and Kyon became blue and depressingly creepy.

"Win in 15 minutes and I'll release your friends!" Lelouch challenged.

"Fine by me!" Kyon glowed with incredible energy, then yelled, "NAGATOOOOOOOOO!"

One bright flash of light later, and Kyon was gone. And in his place was Yuki.

"I'll beat you with the deck generously donated by Haruhi's father," Yuki brought out a Deck of Duel Monsters cards, then drew one card from her deck. She had tried to alter her hand to become Exodia cards, but for some reason, her powers weren't working. 'Perhaps I can beat him with a constant attack by Komori Dragon.'

"You won't beat anyone with that Dragon card," Lelouch deadpanned.

"Huh?" Yuki raised an eyebrow, "Did you use supernatural powers to examine my thought processes?"

"Why, yes, Yuki-Girl," Lelouch smirked, "And I can see that you and I have a great deal in common!"

"What?" Yuki asked.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Look, pal, just because I can alter my hand at any time doesn't mean I have Geass."

"Actually, I was referring to our Millennium Items."

"Our what?"

"Your freaky puzzle thing and my golden left eye."

"... Oh. Right, I knew that... but it comes to question why your left eye's gold, or how you know about my pyramid thing," Yuki noted, "Care to explain?"

"Well, actually, the Millennium Items were created 5,000 years ago in Ancient Egypt," Lelouch explained, "Back when they played the predecessor of Duel Monsters."

"Whatcho Talkin' About, Lelouch?" Kyon, as a spirit, asked.

"The Pharaohs of those time played with ancient magic of the variety that matches your Data Manipulation and my Geass," Lelouch continued, "So, as you can imagine, it was a great deal more exciting then the watered-down product I created."

"Wait!" Yuki realized, "You just used this monologue to stall for time!"

"Well..." Lelouch pointed at the timer, which had just run out, "It worked, didn't it!"

"You're a cheat!" Kyon pointed an austral finger at the man in the TV.

"No, my strategy was merely-"

"CHEAT! CHEAT! CHEAAAAT!" Kyon ranted in an OOC manner,

"Oh, so that's how it's gonna work, huh?" Lelouch smirked, as his right eye when Geass, "I'll immobilize you for a few seconds, allowing your friend's dad to experience life..."

A golden beam blasted from his left eye, hitting Hikaru and removing an austral projection from him.

"... WITHOUT HIS SOUL!" Lelouch diabolically shouted, "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! God, I'm psychotic..."

Lelouch then disappeared off the screen, leaving behind static... and a semi-transparent image of Hikaru.

Kyon snapped out of his daze, then realized what had happened.

"YOU BASTARD!" Kyon shouted in an OOC manner, "YOU TURNED HIM INTO A MIME!"

"Hey, Kyon!" Haruhi shouted, completely unaware of her unconscious father, "Down in front, will ya?"

"Yeah!" Itsuki added, "We were watching that!"_****_

To Be Continued...


	4. My Cards will Go On

The Card Games of Haruhi Suzumiya

As inspired by superstarultra and LittleKuriboh

_**Episode 3: My Cards Will Go On...**_

_Yuki Nagato will not appear in this chapter. Has anybody seen her agent?_

Dusk settled over the land, and a certain God was standing upon the roof of North High.

"Well, Dad's a drooling vegetable," Haruhi noted, "And according to Kyon, he's lost his soul too. I've just gotta save him. But first, I should probably figure out how to get down from here. Hello? Anybody?"  


* * *

"Hey, it's another video!" Kyon eyed a videotape that had came in the mail, "I wonder if that guy wants my soul too?"

He put the video in the old VHS player, and the TV flickered on to reveal Kyonko.

"What's up big brother?" Kyonko asked.

"It's my twin sister who sounds nothin' like me!" Kyon realized, "Isn't she getting a few examinations?"

"The doctors have been so busy trying to figure out why my voice is so high-pitched, they've neglected to treat my eyesight!" Kyonko continued, "So I'm going blind. Well, seeya later! ...or not..."

As the TV flickered off, Kyon smiled a bit.

"Good, now people will stop comparing me to her..." Kyon responded.  


* * *

_LATER, AT SCHOOL, SOS BRIGADE CLUBROOM_

"SOS Brigade, I've decided to accept Lelouch's invitation and travel to his private island where we'll be completely at his mercy," Haruhi spoke.

"I'm not going for any reason," Kyon replied, "Why don't we just call the police?"

"Can't. Turns out his island's considered a country all his own."

"Dammit. Well, you can rest assured I won't get involved for any reason," Kyon crossed his arms.

"Hey look!" Itsuki pointed to a segment in the guidebook, "This tournament has a prize of three million dollars!"

"CHA-CHING!" Kyon leaped up, "DUELIST KINGDOM, HERE I COME!"

_(The whole torment-friends thing will be skipped in order to make more sense for TMOHS.)_

_**AT THE BOAT! YEAH!**_

"Attention, Duelists!" Jeremiah Gottwald yelled from the boat, "My Geass Canceler is telling me it's time for you to board! Any OC's found on the boat WILL be thrown out!"

"DAMMIT!" A few generic characters shouted and walked off.

"Oh, and no bums either," Jeremiah added.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE THE BUM!" Chester A. Bum screamed.

As the SOS Brigade got on board the ship, Kyon noticed a light-blunette girl with piercing red eyes staring at him.

"Can I help you?" Kyon asked the girl.

"..." went the girl.

"Uhhh..." Kyon thought to himself, "Who are you?"

"I am the Third," The girl spoke.

"... the third what?"

"..."

"..."

**_BACK WITH THE PLOT..._**

"Wow!" Mikuru observed, "So many people! And Itsuki and I are the only non-Duelists here. I feel lonely."

"Hey, check it out!" A guy resembling Joey Wheeler from YuGiOh noticed, "A pair of giant breasts attached to a woman!"

"HEY! I have issues about these things!" Mikuru snapped back.

"Booooobies!" Not-Joey spoke again.

"Hey, leave her alone, Perv!" Asuka Langley Soryu kicked the Joey impersonator in the face.

"NYEAH!" Not-Joey yelled in pain.

"Treat a poor girl like this again, and I'll squash you," Asuka shouted at the poor guy.

"With her boobies, right?"

**_ELSEWHERE ON THE SHIP..._**

"What's wrong with you?" Itsuki asked our hyperactive goddess.

"I can't find the damn bathroom on this thing!" Haruhi snapped back.

"In another few hours, the sun will rise," Itsuki replied.

"... Uh, what does the_ sun_ have to do with **_anything?_**" Haruhi asked in her own, impatient way.

Suddenly, a certain green-haired, often-ignored girl caught Haruhi's eye.

"Isn't that Emiri Kimidori?" Haruhi asked.

"The often-ignored girl from school?" Itsuki added, "Yep."

"Why's she here?"

"Who knows? She's not important..."  


* * *

**_MEANWHILE..._**

"Kyon!" Kunikida yelled, "Hey, Kyon! Can I see your Exodia cards?"

"Sure, why not," Kyon handed the cards over to his old friend.

Then he threw them over the side.

"DAMMIT, KUNIKIDA!" Kyon yelled... with the RAGE OF A BEAST!

"I'll save them!" Haruhi jumped over the side.

"When did she get here?" Kyon asked.

Haruhi swam toward the cards, even though they'd be worthless by the fact that they were in the FREAKIN' OCEAN. I swear, I can hear some dumb emotional song in the background.

"Must... Risk... Life... for cards!" Haruhi swam toward the cards with ferocious intensity.

She didn't retrieve them, for a wave swept her onto the deck.

"DAMMIT!" Haruhi yelled, "I didn't get Kyon's cards!"

"If it's any consolation, Kyon," Itsuki turned to his friend, "The sun will be up in a few hours."

"Geez, it's alright," Kyon replied, "It ranks pretty low on my importance meter, just right above my sister..."

"Imouto!" Mikuru replied.

"No, not my LITTLE sister, my TWIN sister, Kyonko," Kyon replied, "Going blind, life sucks for her."

"Wait, why didn't we see her before?" Haruhi asked.

"Oh, my parents got divorced after Kyonko's boyfriend tried to give her driving lessons..." Kyon replied

~~FLASHBACK~~

_"HELP!" Kyonko yelled from the window of the car, "My boyfriend tried to teach me how to drive, but I forgot how to stop!"_

_"APPLY THE HANDBRAKE, YOU DUMB BROAD!" Kyon chased after the car._

~~FLASHBACK~~

'If she's going blind, I might have a chance with her!' Itsuki thought, 'SCORE!'

"Are you going against my pre-created views of you being Gay?" Kyon asked.

"Yeah," Itsuki sweatdropped.

"Well, stop doing that!" Kyon replied, "I hate it."

"Don't worry, Kyon, the SOS Brigade will do our best!" Haruhi replied, "You for your twin, and me for my dad!"

"Hey, look, the sun's rising ahead of schedule!" Itsuki observed.

Meanwhile, a girl watched them from afar, with light-blue hair blowing in the wind.

"Indeed..." Rei Ayanami spoke, having heard Itsuki DESPITE being so far away.

Next to her, Emiri Kimidori smiled, as her hair and eyes turned blue..._****_

To Be Continued...

So, I FINALLY UPDATED! Yep... but hey, it's YuGiOh Abridged. These things take time.


	5. Haruhi Vs Konata BATTLE!

**_The Card Games of Haruhi Suzumiya_**

**_As inspired by superstarultra and LittleKuriboh_**

**_Haruhi Vs. Konata - BATTLE!_**

"This is it, Haru-san," Konata Izumi spoke to her idol, "The final battle. The Aya Hirano Showdown. The Duel to end it all. And I'm not gonna hold back!"

"You bet!" Haruhi Suzumiya replied, "I can't wait to see your strength."

"Then it's time..." Konata pulled out a... microphone? "To SPIT SOME RHYMES!"

"What?" Haruhi asked.

"Oh, you have gotta be kidding..." Kyon facepalmed.

KONATA: _Haruhi, check it out, it's Kona-Chan from LS!_  
_Sad to say, girl, you're my new test subject_  
_so listen up, here it is, the awesome challenge I suggest!_  
_who ever spits the worst rap outta' you and me will be the best_  
_girl outta anime, manga and game!_  
_You know I got ya beat but homie don't be lame_  
_this is serious, you got to do it! Your spirit says you have to._  
_If you decline the challenge by default that means I beat you._  
_Haruhi, I hope you're ready, cuz this is gonna be heavy_  
_and I know you might think it's unnecessary,_  
_but that's tough, suck it up dawg, it's something you go to do, or you can leave and lose it all, its up to you._

"Oh, you dare challenge GOD?" Haruhi replied, "Okay, check this out!"

SOS-Dan: _PRIIIIIME!_

Haruhi: _Prime Cut! ba ch ba ch ca ba ch ch wa ch ch ja-mikity-moe mack daddy WAZZUP?_  
_I said a jizz a bang boom boom boom diggity dog_  
_I said a dog, a dog, a diggity dog!_  
_Hey what you say, O.K., your repartee's cliché, forget rappin'_  
_you should just take up Anime you want to duel_  
_don't act a fool or God'll tell you "Bitch please"._  
_The only thing more redic is YuGiOh 5d's!_  
_Bring it on, punk!_  
_Cuz it's time to go down_  
_I'm glad it's one-on-one, cuz all your friends are clowns!_  
_Can't wait to see the look on everyone's face_  
_When I rap your ass right out of this place!_  
_I'm Haruhi Suzumiya!_  
(SOS-Dan minus Kyon: _(your show's really lame) each episode's the same, yes they are. Now get yourself set to be ashamed by the next queen of games. (gggaaammmeeesss)_)

"Not bad," Konata replied, "But here's something fresh for ya..."

Konata: _You're about to witness me be absolutely flawless,_  
_the best kind you'll ever see I'm being honest._  
_I'm the hardest the most purest known artist._  
(stops singing) And oh, FYI, Haruhi. (resumes singing)  
_I've been watching Anime for over six years regardless,_  
_but let me lay you something fresh dawg what I'm going to do._  
_Im'ma tell you something that's a hundred per-cent true,_  
_you're not the best character, no, sorry, not you._  
_Its your stupid boyfriend that you drag around everyday, true!_  
_You're a lazy sucker, He does all the work for you,_  
_then you claim the fame for all the shiz and stuff he do._  
_What's he even doing following you, anyway?_  
_Everyone agrees, dude, that is pretty gay._

"Hey!" Kyon replied, "For one, I'm the only thing keeping God from killing everyone!"

"And why is that?" Konata replied, "Face it, you're a loser following Haruhi. That's all your character is, anyway..."

"Yeah..." Kyon replied, "And do you know WHY?"

"No..." Konata replied.

"It's because..._ I'm the mother flippin' Narrator!_  
_My sarcasm's sharp, and my haircut is cool_  
_And I'm sexy_  
_I'm sexy!_

_If you choose to proceed you will indeed concede_  
_Cos the sight of me causes Rhino Stampedes!_

_I saved the world by kissing a girl_  
_and believe me, sometimes_  
_she makes me wanna hurl_  
_And by the by, your plot is shitty._

_That's how it goes_  
_Here's Yuki trying not to fail_  
_As bad as Kuriboh!"_

_"They call me Yuki Nagato_  
_Domo Arigato ... Er... I am at a loss of lyrics... oh, wait... no... hang on, I think I got it..._

_They call me Nagato Yuki_  
_Agent of the IDE,_  
_Integrated Thought Entity_  
_Not to be confused with Rei Ayanami!_

_I'm not an emotionless loser_  
_Where did you get that preposterous Conception?_  
_Did Kuyou Suoh tell you that? F*CK Kuyou Suoh!_  
_Seriously..."_

Kyon: _My entire series, it don't make sense,_  
_Because my descriptions are so immense._  
_And if you duel with me it won't be tense._  
_Because against me you've no defense._

_My power's so potent, I may seem undefeated,_  
_In fact, All of my opponents could swear that I cheated._  
_Yes, sometimes in fanfic, I seem a little sexist_  
_But you lovely bitches and hoes should know I'm trying to correct this_

_Other people dis me_  
_Say my character's sissy._  
_Why? Why?_  
_Why exactly, why?_  
_There's nothing dumb about my Caesar haircut, and only real men wear Blazers!_

_Konata, let's face it! You're second best!_  
_You're just below the level of YuGiOh GX!_  
_You're a loser of the universe,_  
_Just like Ku-Ri-Boh, Hey... Ho..._

_I'm the motherflippin'..._

Haruhi: _You're the motherflippin'..._

Mikuru: _He's the motherflippin'..._

Itsuki: _Who's the motherflippin'?_

Ryoko: _He's the motherflippin'..._

Taniguchi: _He's the motherflippin'..._

Kyon: _I'm the motherflippin'..._

_MUTHAFLIPPIN'!"_

"I'm nothing like Kuriboh!" Konata screamed out.

"Well, you're cute, but you do nothing to enhance the plot," Haruhi replied.

"I'm not useless!"

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"ARE TOO TIMES INFINITY!"

Konata snapped at that point, and charged toward the two with the intention of mauling them...

...then got crushed by a blimp.

"The hell?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow.

"You got me," Kyon shrugged.

* * *

Meanwhile, a man resembling Kaiba smirked. Closing a black notebook on his desk, he took a potato chip...

... and started an internet phenomenon!

* * *

**_Haven't updated in a while. Got busy with fanfiction on other anime. Sorry._**

**_Songs: X by Xzibit_**

**_ Prime Cut Miggity-Mo' Macdaddy Gizzabang Doggy Dog Dog's rap on the Brak Show_**

**_ "Business" by Eminem_**

**_Hiphopopotamus VS Rhymenocyrus  
_**


End file.
